Monday, July 8, 2013

Guest Blog - Kathleen Speaks!

Tonight I have a treat for you all. Kathleen (the subject of my last two posts), has put together a guest blog for you all. I have a couple of interjections where you can tell I'm talking by <seeing my words like this>. Enjoy!!

So, I'm going to be a guest blogger to help liven up Lealah's blog.  Nice to meet you!  I hope I can be beneficial to you in ways of laughter, joy and helpfulness. 
Lealah and I have been friends for over 15 years... I can't believe I said that out loud.  Sadly by now we should have cultivated a secret language by now; however we are too busy laughing at each other to be intelligent enough to make a language.  We started being friends during a crazy and eventful social studies project that we were paired up on.  

I never said anything to Lealah about her weight EVER over our life time of friendship. (As far as I remember) <As far as I remember, too!> And maybe that was bad on me, but I believed in her strong self.  I knew she could lose the weight, there was never a doubt in my mind about that.  She has a real strong personality.  And I believed that when she was ready for a change that she would do it on her own.  If I thought that she couldn't do it by herself I would have said something and been her crutch until she was strong enough to stand. 
Looking back, I don't regret not saying anything because I think it would have really hurt her and I think she would have said something back to me about something I didn't want to hear either and we would have gotten into a massive fight.  I think I did right by my friend, and hopefully she feels the same.  <I do feel the same, one thing about our friendship that made it true was that we have always accepted each other – all flaws included.>

My friend is amazing, as you probably know from following her blog.
I am so proud of her accomplishments and never doubt that she could do it.
She is not one to be put down, she always gets up from her fights.  She has no ego that I know of, but more of a brook versus a rock process.  Confident in her abilities, and leads not by demanding to be leader but by continuous proof of strength and abilities making those around her follow her.  I think because of these traits that she can always succeed in her goals.

Lealah versus Lealah on a Mission

Lealah on a Mission reminds me of that really annoyingly happy cheerleader type person that cheers regardless of what struggle you are going through.  She is a little too much for me, I don't think I would be friends with Lealah on a Mission in real life.

My dear friend while she does motivate me and cheer, it is not a perky cheer, it is more of a somewhat skewed cheer.  Making you laugh or get motivated by some weird or quirky comment.
Lealah has a picture on her blog of a before picture.  Every time I see that picture, I see the full picture, not just the crop, and the hollowness in our eyes.  How unhappy all of us were, how unhappy I was with life and my weight.  I've stayed at my biggest weight for 3 years now.  Even with effort and diet change, I still remained in the same 5lbs range.  So I just gave up and lived unhealthy because if I'm not gaining weight why not enjoy it all. I think the biggest problem is that I'm good at hiding trouble areas, and that I gain weight all over versus in one area.  Therefore, it is about 15lbs gone before I start noticing "oh, that's not fitting right anymore". Right after that picture was taken Lealah started on her weight loss, and I returned home doing my normal things.  I got updates every once in a while – “oh I lost 30 pounds”, “oh I lost 50”, the next time we talked it was up to 90.  I was happy for her, especially since she decided to do it the healthy way, I was really insanely scared for her to try and do a weight loss surgery, and seriously would have put her in a headlock to veto that crap.  Thankfully it didn’t come to that and she decided against it.   

Since Christmas, I've been busting my butt with all my effort to heal and improve my health. I haven't lost that many pounds, but there is definite difference in my shape/form and my skin. 
I am not a gym person at all.  A gym is my own personal hell for various reasons.  I work out primarily inside my house or outside.  For the last 3 weeks, every Tuesday and Thursday I've been doing P90x, just to vary my routine. And no I don't do P90x like I'm supposed to, but I'm moving and sweating, and when I feel 100%, I'll start doing it the correct way.  I really just like going outside and speed walking/jogging with my music.  

I wouldn't say Lealah motivates me.  For the most part it is just the white noise in the background, her cheering me on has the same feeling as mom saying your beautiful; it just a natural occurring thing that is said. <gee, thanks…. :-P> I would say it is more like I work hard so that she can be proud of me.  She came and ran my first 10k with me and the month before I was running as much and as far as I could just because I would be ashamed to have her be disappointed in me.  <Never!> And I guess that's really not the right words to use in the English language, but they seem to fit.  Cause for being my friend this long it would probably take quite a bit for her to be actually disappointed in me.  <That’s right beyotch!>

Things that motivate me to work out:

music( lol,I think you get the idea)
some phrases I found online like train insane or remain the same (because if you are doing the same stuff you are always going to get the same results)
to look like a beauty you have to work out like a beast. 
which in my head I change to like a beauty you have to work out like a b2st  because I like a music group called b2st (beast) and their fan club is called beauty, so I try to work out with the dedication that beast would- which typing this sounds weird.  

For clarification they are made up of members who were found unworthy by the South Korean entertainment industry to make it in show business. They worked hard for their dreams individually and eventually all meet up and were signed by an agency. I really respect their back stories, and acknowledge that if had been me I would have probably let my dreams die. Therefore, that saying motivates me to push a bit more because "hard work will never betray you". Regardless, somehow my effort will come back to me, just maybe not the way I would like.  So for now I will work hard at becoming a fit me and try to become a better person.  

I made Lealah laugh through my story of breaking my back because if I had made it serious I would have started crying and probably wouldn't have been able to stop.  Also, crying wouldn't have changed anything; my back would have still been broken.  Plus, she is right, when we are together we have a sort of weird humor. And it was emotionally healing for me to just act like everything was normal, and laugh and goof about like normal. 

She's also right that I am thankful it happened to me and not my aunt.  If it had happened to my aunt she would probably be paralyzed or worse, which would have haunted me for the rest of my life. 
My 10k was very important to me.  I broke my back the day I registered for my first 10k, about 5 hours after registering.  So while I was lying in the hospital bed, I was so POed and sad that I wouldn't be able to do the race.  The day of the race was really hard to handle and frustrating because I wanted to participate.  And somehow over the recovery period it became a symbol for being well again/ 100% pain free life.  
Walking was a part of my rehab, to strengthen the muscles in my back. When I do 5ks, I always just speed walk; I am not a runner of any sort.   So slowly, it just started, to the living room and back – around the house once – around the yard.  Eventually, to one mile – which hurt like hell and I took like two weeks to try and be that stupid again.  

The race was in February, and in Jan. Lealah started to check up on progress for the race.  And she's all like it's okay if we jog half of it. REALLY, ONLY HALF!!!???  At this point in time, I'm still doing 5ks in about 30min longer than my pre injury time and having to rest 3 plus days after before I try again.  So there I am on the phone with my friend who apparently forgot who she was talking to and telling me all kinds of stuff and she sounded so sincere and full of belief that I can accomplish this major task.  I always just had the plan of walking it, I would have been happy with just walking and getting across the finish line, but somehow during the talk and her earnestness, I decide that for Lealah I will try and live up to her dream.  <For the record, I had no particular dream but for her to be happy with how the 10k went, I had no idea I put her under so much pressure!!!>
And so for the next month and a half, I worked out longer and harder than I ever had. Ate clean, did body cleanses, and read all kinds of health magazines and blogs.  Started jogging, which was by sheer grit and masochistic tendencies. I never told Lealah this, probably best if I kept if from her, but I can't tell you without telling her.  The only way I keep jogging, is to say oh the pain from jogging hurt doesn't hurt as bad as having my back broken. Which looking back is really sick and probably wasn't the best decision in my life. But I became somewhat obsessed not only by the fact that this 10k meant a lot of me, but that my friend was counting on the fact that I would be able to jog.  

Lealah on a Mission showed up at about mile 4 of the 10k; I was a little annoyed that she was there (Lealah on a Mission not Lealah).  There I am putting 150% effort into my race, back hurts, no energy left in the tank and she is telling me "come on it's only a little bit further" 2 miles is not a little bit in that state of mind. I forget what else she was telling me, but I was like you have got to be kidding me.  

It really meant a lot to me for Lealah to take time and money out to come and see me and participate in the race with me.  Without Lealah there, I wouldn't have had anyone cheering for me. And with Lealah not only did I finish the race, I did a personal best time.   About a month out, I started timing myself, originally my plan was just not to get disqualified from being too slow.  I mean we are talking about not only my first 10k, but one after spending almost a whole year in bed.  But like I said somehow Lealah got involved with this and had such great plans for me.  The week before the race on a practice run I accomplished it in 1hr 50min. So, my goal for the race was 1hr 40 figuring the competitiveness would add to my time.  My pipe dream time was 1hr 30.  Through pushing myself and having my cheering section, I managed 1hr 36min.  I am very proud of that time <I’m super duper proud of that time!!>, and eventually I will try another 10k and try to improve on my time.