Saturday, December 2, 2017

Being Me

It's been a long time since I've updated, I wonder if anyone will even read this! Part of the problem was not knowing what to write or exactly how much to share. Instead of trying to think of my readers when I blog, maybe I should just focus on being me and see what happens. These days I'm feeling more me than I have in a long time. The only thing I'm really dedicated to these days are my meditation and yoga practices. Keeping up with that, tending to myself in these small ways, seems to be what gives me strength. Every time I think I am not strong enough, not capable enough, not pretty enough, I'm shown something new through these practices. I find something secret and beautiful inside myself that reminds me... I am no less than anyone else. I am no more either, but definitely no less. Death has changed me, I feel more vulnerable to the world now - more exposed. I've grown tremendously, but there is still more growth to be had. Losing weight helped me grow in lots of ways, but I feel like the process has deepened after my brother's death; and then my niece's death back in February just kept propelling me forward. I've lost control of my little world and things are set into motion that will not be stopped. My story will play itself out and I can either learn from and enjoy my experiences, or I can wallow in grief and negativity and remain stagnant.

I feel quite awkward these days, socially and physically. I thought at first it was because of my weight gain, that I'd lost the self-esteem and confidence I'd gained when I lost the weight... now, I'm certain that it's a combination of the weight gain and this new vulnerability that I feel. I'm more open, less closed off from the world and while this is liberating, it can also be terrifying. Trusting is hard, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to hold up my walls. Having faith and knowing that all will be well, that I'll find my path again... it seems so open ended, so up in the air. I can remember being so naive, so absolutely convinced that all would be okay, that there was a plan and I and my loved ones were going to find our place in the world and live happily ever after. Then when we lost my brother, my faith was shattered, I couldn't possibility believe that everything would be okay. What divine plan could possibly include the death of someone so dear to me, someone that should have been protected under my scope of faith? 30 years of believing and trusting went down the drain and I was changed. There was before Amir's death, and after Amir's death. Now, two years later, I find that faith is returning, like beautiful weeds sprouting from nothing, spilling out and around me and blanketing me with the burning desire to be free from my own limitations.

The more I meditate, the more I feel like I'm resolving things within myself. Something - a memory or emotion will rise up and I deal with it and then I feel just a little bit lighter. Perhaps my physical body is representative of the burdens and stress that I'm carrying on the inside, and the more I let go of these things that I allow to weigh me down, the better I'll feel on all levels.

I've started floating the past year or so. Floating is where you lie (naked) in a sensory deprivation tank in body temperature water that has enough Epsom salt to keep you floating effortlessly while you meditate, listen to music, etc. So of course I'm selling it to my friends/family because I think it's awesome, but I'm well aware that I come off as a weirdo (or am one 😉). I don't care anymore, take me or leave me, I'm going to embrace my "weirdness". There are lots of positive effects from floating, physically, and otherwise. I, personally, seek silence when I float.

<insert crazy/happy dance here>

My workouts are still light compared to what I used to do, but I try to at least do something every day. Even if I don't get a walk/HIIT workout/Zumba/Yoga session in, I try to do stuff like dance in my living room, deep clean or go grocery shopping and park at the end of the parking lot, etc. You know, all the little changes you make when you're starting over. My eating has been coming along, as well. I play around with intermittent fasting and have been making better choices over the last few weeks.

I miss feeling good physically. I miss my smaller body, I miss being super active and fit, I miss being energetic most days. I think back to when I was at my smallest and I'm ashamed at myself for how negative and hateful I was to myself. I was nearly in a size 0 and I still hated myself without even knowing that was what I was doing. How sad. I had no self-love and just could not be happy with myself. Perhaps this weight gain will help me to be kinder to myself in the future. How fast we forget all of our accomplishments and how fast we attach our worth to something as silly as how we appear on the outside.

I'm very tired, and I miss my brother. The last several months have been quite tough emotionally, first still reeling from my niece's death, then being aware that two years ago in July was the last time I saw my brother alive, and then his death anniversary. One night back in September, I was laying in bed and I was in that beautiful half-sleep, half-awake state of mind when I dreamed I spoke to my brother. I came to, thinking I must call Amir, automatically reaching for my phone to call him, only to realize that I couldn't. It was kind of a first. I've been quite aware that my brother is dead these last two years. It was the first time I forgot that he was and it was a strange and terrible experience. At first I was so excited to call him, because I knew it had been awhile since we spoke, and the first time I'd been happy when I thought about my brother in a really long time. This felt amazing, I cannot describe it, but if I had to try, I'd say joy. Then it was like this creeping darkness swirled in and clouded everything up and the knife that I thought had been removed from my chest twists sharply when reality hits. I'm not complaining though, it's worth getting to talk to my bro in my dreams, I was just taken off guard. I am getting to the point where I can appreciate sadness. Sadness can be beautiful, it also makes happiness possible.

I hope my post was overall positive, because I'm feeling positive these days. I just want to be me and see where that leads. I feel sort of invincible these days, I've stared horror in the face. Granted, I've never been a war refugee or anything like that, but losing someone I love was my worst fear. Now that I've faced my greatest fear (albeit through force), I'm ready to tackle other fears.

Peace be with you! I'd like to leave my readers with a message: face your fears that you may live your life fearlessly and embrace change! It can be a beautiful thing! 😁

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